Pre-marital counselling – What is it?
by Bronwyn Parkes, Social Worker/Counsellor
Pre-marital counselling used to be viewed only as something that was purely for those people wanting to get married in the Catholic church, or when there was a serious issue.
As a society, things have progressed and more couples are focusing in on relationship health and happiness, which involves taking preventative and proactive measures by both partners. Many couples are seeing the benefits of investing in their relationship and taking an active role in seeking the information and building healthy relationship skills and habits to build lifelong stable partnerships. Research shows that by attending pre-marriage counselling, it greatly improves a couple’s interpersonal skills and overall relationship quality. This short-term investment equips couple’s long-term to avoid, buffer or overcome issues together as and when they arise.
Whilst pre-marital counselling is increasing in popularity there is still a stigma out there about what it is and many couples crossing this task off the wedding “to-do” list or not giving it a second thought in the first place. The main myth is that if a couple were to attend couple therapy that means that they are not strong enough, have issues or there is something inherently wrong. Another myth is “if love takes work then it wasn’t meant to be”. A no-effort relationship however is not a great relationship, it’s destined for failure. Dr John Gottman says, every (relationship) demands an effort to keep it on the right track; there is consistent tension…between forces that hold you together and those that tear you apart.
As we know, marriage takes place across the lifespan and requires couples to have an ongoing commitment to their relationship. More than commitment though, the reality is, it takes action. Love is not a feeling you have for your partner, it is an action taken towards them. For example, you know when you are loved by the things and ways in which your partner does things to show you. If you do nothing to improve your relationship over time, even if you aren’t doing something destructive, your relationship will decline. This can be likened to if you neglect your car or your teeth for example, these too will decline.
At Heart and Mind Counselling we are here to support and guide you both through the process. At times there might be areas that pre-marital counselling will shine a light on difficult relationship problems, and these might not be easy, but it will lead to addressing deeper issues that impact you and your partner’s mental and physical wellbeing and will be much more beneficial for you both individually and collectively in the longer term.
So what does pre-marital counselling look like?
Whilst each will vary depending on the couple’s specific circumstance, generally it allows exploration of relationship dynamics, views about marriage and lifestyle, learning relationship skills and co-creating goals and shared meaning together. It can help you both explore where you both stand on important issues and get to know yourself and one another better.
Some of the topics that are explored through pre-marital therapy include:-
· Family of origin exploration
· Understanding of triggers and patterns of interaction
· Stress management and self-care
· Communication and conflict
· Values and spirituality
· Finances and money
· Intimacy
· Rituals of connection
· Expectations
· Compromise and accepting influence
· Roles, goals and hopes and life-dreams
Say “I-do” to strengthening your relationship long-term by contacting us now at Heart and Mind Counselling for further information and to book an appointment.
References
Carroll, J and Doherty, W(2004). Evaluating the Effectiveness of Premarital Prevention Programs: A Meta-Analytic Review of Outcome Research Family Relationship 52(2), 105-118
Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Hillsdale, NK: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates